Never Trust a Vegan Food Truck.

Dear Natalie,

As you are aware there are many things in life I am not a fan of. I don’t care for bicyclists. Most of them are a-holes and want the best of both the pedestrian and vehicle worlds without the rules or consequences. Those that do show good bicycle etiquette still feel the need to defend their fellow bad behaving bicyclist buddies and so I hate them as well. I hate self-checkout stands (I’m not getting a discount so essentially I’m paying you to work for you).  I hate people who smoke in large public gatherings (like parades or fairs) or in front of public exits. Just because you are outside doesn’t mean your smoke doesn’t reach my face.  I hate parents who take their children to inappropriate places. Your child does not need to be at the 7:00pm Saturday night showing of Legion. I also hate the phrase “We did the best the best we could.” It’s an excuse for subpar effort.  It’s a copout expressed with the intent to make the person calling you out for your mediocre performance feel like a jerk. But sometimes we need our flaws pointed out to us. It makes us better people.  I’m willing to provide that service even it it means getting attacked and called a “Bitch” by people with ridiculous names. Somebody has to hold this line. For example last May when the Great Food Truck Race came to Manhattan, KS. Clarice and I eagerly went to Aggieville to take part. After a debacle caused by the Grilled Cheese food truck crew’s inability to follow rules or directions which ultimately forced a lot of innocent people much stress and loss of valuable time,we ended up at the Vegan truck.

The line at the vegan truck looked manageable and we settled in for a grand adventure. Over two and one half hours later we still had not made it to the front. I know I should have abandoned ship. But I kept hoping the line would start to move. And I felt leaving would make all the time I spent in line wasted. I liken this feeling to what our government must have gone through when deciding to keep troops deployed in Iraq. It’s pretty much the same thing. Eventually I had to bail and head to work so I bid Clarice adieu. Clarice asked if I wanted her to get me something and bring it to me at work. I said no that I would prefer to spend my 99 cents at some place that deserved it. Like the gas station. Clarice said she would go ahead and get me something anyway and bring it to me at work. I told her I would just throw it in the trash. Ninety minutes later Clairce called and said she purchased two of everything and would  bring me something but needed me to promise not to throw it in the trash. I was hungry and caved. Clarice brought the food and it was pretty tasty.  Eventually the episode featuring Manhattan aired and to my satisfaction the offending vegan food truck was eliminated. I wanted to make sure this particular food truck understood the total justice in their elimination. I figured there would be a whole lot of “good job anyway” and “it’s okay you tried your best” going around. I was right. And to my mind failure especially in the face of piss pore performance should not be coddled or made okay. So I went where I knew they would hear me-FACEBOOK. Now I am aware that the crazy rule change that the teams faced the week they were in Manhattan contributed somewhat to the pace of service. Requiring food trucks to serve every item at 99 cents meant customers who would normally purchase a normal amount of food now felt the need to order enough food to feed a small village. However, the Seabirds lost because they made the least amount of money. A customer who ordered 10 items should have taken approximately the same amount of time to service as 10 customers who ordered 1 item. This did not happen.They did not move enough product. They lost.

The following is a record of my interaction on Facebook. I have changed names of participants where possible. As you will see there are many who would defend Seabirds. This is why Seabirds will never reach their true potential. Love is not a pat on the back and consoling word. Love is a kick in the pants and sharp critique.

Me: As a victim of your slow as HELL service in Manhattan, KS-I’m okay with you going home. (2 people liked this)

Samuel Otter: It’s nice that you “like” their page to say something mean. Jerk. (3 people liked this)

Levie Donning: i’d LOVE to see how fast your service would have been under the circumstances..i’m betting you wouldnt have done any better..i was in the food buisness for years and its easy to criticize…at least they didnt try to “dumb down” the menu as lime truck said lol

Lanie Angel:  fast food doesn’t equal Seabirds Truck’s great food.

Me: Oh I see Seabirds has some champions. Lucky ladies. Indeed they did not “dumb” down their food. I was quite torn between which truck I wanted to go home more. Seabirds won because I stood in line for hours watching the order taker move like molasses. Then at the height of inefficiency they announced a raffle contest where lucky customers could get a ticket by spending a certain amount of money. The “prize” was a hot date with the Seabirds Crew. I tell ya I would have liked a hot date with one Seabird and her order pad. You gotta move the line ladies. And “Liking” their page was the only way I could be a “jerk.” If there is a dislike option let me know. We can’t get past our mistakes if we don’t have them pointed out to us. You’re welcome Seabirds. I’m happy to be a jerk if it makes you better.

Emo Hatter: You just wrote a novel about how much you hate Seabirds. I understand criticism, but sheesh, get over it.

Me: More of a short story than novel. And you get over it. Jerk.

Emo Hatter:  lmao

Me: ‎:)

Anya Cyrpus:  Woah… they are NOT a fast food restaurant. They wanted to give the best quality food that they could be proud of. Sorry that you had to wait in line, but from what I saw they did the best they could.

Me: Not fast food indeed. But they knew they were in a race right?

Samuel Otter: And you saw a giant line and still waited in it, right? Duh.

Samuel Otter: Also, if you’ve ever worked in the food business you’d know that taking a bunch of orders all at once does not make food appear more quickly.

Cliodna Fae: What a bitch!  (2 people including me liked this)

Pricilla Vandecamp:  I don’t know you but….you go girl. You go…don’t listen to them!

I totally know Pricilla. She posted this while she was sitting like 3 feet away from me.

Me: Thanks I can now mark being called a bitch by somebody named Cliodna Fae off my bucket list. You are correct sassy Samuel that taking a bunch of orders at once does not make the food appear more quickly. Surprisingly I did not have to have food service credentials to figure that little gem out. However, working efficiently does make the food appear faster. Perhaps they can try that in the future. Also I don’t remember making the argument about bunches of orders vs. speed of food appearance. I’m sure the Seabirds appreciate your effort, poor as it was, to defend their honor. Maybe they will make you a meal as thanks. But I wouldn’t hold off eating while waiting for it. You’re likely to starve.  As to my waiting in line. Yes I was a fool. Perhaps it was the eternal optimist in me. But by God I will never be a fool to the food truck again. Seabirds taught me that lesson. ( 2 people liked)

JMQ:  Will I get called bitch if I point out that while I appreciated the vegan option, I didn’t love their product. And I found something in one of my dishes that should not have been there.

Pricilla Vandecamp: When you say, shouldn’t have been there…what exactly do you mean?

Pricilla Vandecamp: one’s imagination could go pretty far on that one.

JMQ: Something not meant to be ingested.

Me: I think that’s a risk you take with any type of food. Especially when it’s out of a truck. Nothing wrong with my food. Beyond broken dreams and disappointment.

Tom Schultz: I couldn’t wait anymore when I heard that Korean food was served at a local park. Being half-Korean myself, I knew I had to get that.

Ryan Heath:  I’m guessing that you really just don’t like all the food trucks on the show because no matter which truck you would have picked, you would have waited more than a few hours. Didn’t I hear one of the other trucks say that people were waiting over five hours for food?

Erin Yopes:  IMO I have eaten at the Seabirds pretty often….and they are not generally slow. I havent seen tonights show so I have no idea what happened but, generally they are pretty quick. Im sorry you had bad service and/or slow service with them.

Seabirds: Thank you those of you that are defending Seabirds.  I’m the molasses-moving order taker. Sorry that the food service was slower than you anticipated, but please do know that we were under extreme circumstances. Only two people were making food for hundreds of people an hour. Also, we were working a 14 hour day, shooting a television show AND trying to keep ourselves in the game. We’d love to come back to Manhattan, KS and serve food under normal food truck circumstances. You’d see then that we’re no longer the “Slowbirds”!! Sadly, our truck is from the 80’s and probably wouldn’t make it back without a breakdown! We did the best we could and that’s what matters to us!!

Me:  Brian-Perhaps you are correct. However, considering the end total amounts raised, the other trucks seemed to get the food out rather quickly. When I compare their lines to the line I stood in (that didn’t seem that long to begin with) I can’t help think my disappointment would have been far less had I been at another truck. But I guess we’ll never know. Karin-Thank you for your contribution. I’m glad you have had better experiences with the Seabirds. Seabirds-You seem to have lots of fans and defenders. Perhaps you could have a fundraiser and make it possible to fix your van or buy a new one. I’m sure Cliodna Fae would chip in a bunch. She thinks I am a bitch. If that doesn’t scream generosity of the heart and wallet I don’t know what does. We’d love to have you back in Manhattan. Perhaps in a less stressful context so you could shine. It was nice to have a vegan option. I would have liked to have been able to experience it more. All my best to you and your future endeavors.

I’ve yet to be invited to any fundraisers. I did find out the Cliodna Fae and I are both fans of Alien on Facebook. I posted on the fan page asking about what her favorite part was. She never answered. If you ever come across Seabirds in your travel I hope they are not your only food option or you had a big breakfast. Because they’ll probably be doing the best they can. And we all know what that means.

 

Chick-fil-A-holes

Dear Natalie,

As you may recall I have a new alter ego. Her name is Amanda Dawson. She is the person who had my cell phone number previously. I know nothing about the real Amanda Dawson other than the fact that she seems to have lots of friends that she didn’t give her new cell phone number. I don’t like the fact that she treated people this way. But I do like that she has so many admirers. I decided to create a whole new persona for Amanda Dawson. Sometimes random things irritate me and I feel like I should speak out. Occasionally I want to avoid sounding completely bat shit crazy so I feel it is necessary to create a legitimate circumstance from which my complaint could plausibly originate. Amanda Dawson is the perfect tool for these scenarios.  With that being said I would like to tell you about Amanda’s inaugural email complaint.

I hate Chick-fil-A. I don’t hate Chick-fil-A’s food. It’s delightful. I hate how Chick-fil-A advertises.  The Chik-fil-A Cow Campaigns showcases cows holding signs with words that are misspelled.

Two things about this campaign irritate me. First, are we to believe that the Chick-fil-A cows have the intelligence to stage an anti-beef campaign directing meat consumers towards chicken thus saving their bovine brethren from slaughter all the while overcoming the physical difficulty of handwriting due to the lack of opposable thumbs and hands in general, and yet they still retain the inability to produce written word that goes beyond phonetic interpretations of the English language. “Eat Mor Chikin” Seriously. Second, I think it’s wrong to purposely promote poor spelling and grammar.  Now I could have said in an email that I saw the cow billboard and it bothered me. But I didn’t want to be dismissed as some bitchy troublemaker who had nothing better to do than complain. Enter Amanda Dawson. Amanda Dawson is a mother. Amanda Dawson cares about education. Amanda Dawson wants the best for her son. Amanda Dawson is not a troublemaker. Amanda Dawson is a concerned parent with a legitimate concern.

From: Amanda Dawson

To:Chik-fil-A CARES

Sent: 12/29/11 6:33:10

Subject: Chik-fil-A Webform Message

My son and I recently ate at your restaurant at the Happy Town, Oklahoma
mall. He had a spelling test the next day. I received a note from his
teacher stating he was very angry at missing one word on the exam. The word
was chicken. He was positive that the correct spelling was “chikin”.  He got
that from your cow advertisements. Our country is already educationally
behind countless others. Your use of poor grammar in your advertising does not help.

Sincerely,

Amanda Dawson

Naturally Chik-fil-A did not share my views on cows and spelling.

From: Chick-fil-A CARES

Date: Thur, Dec 29, 2011 16:40:10

Subject: Chik-fil-A Response

Dear Ms. Dawson:

Thank you for taking the time to contact Chick-fil-A.  You are very important to us, and we appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us.  Your comments have been forwarded appropriately.

In the more than fifteen years that the Cow Campaign has been in existence, we have received positive responses from customers of all ages. While we wholeheartedly support education and literacy, we feel the cows fall into the same category as many other well-known characters who often misspell, such as Winnie the Pooh.

We have also received many comments from teachers who have turned the Chick-fil-A Cow Campaign into a fun learning opportunity in their classroom. They will often do an exercise where the students look at the cow advertisements and proceed to correct the cows’ spelling.

Again, thank you for your time and interest in Chick-fil-A. We are grateful to know that you love Chick-fil-A, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

Hannah
Chick-fil-A CARES
Chick-fil-A…We Didn’t Invent The Chicken,
Just The Chicken Sandwich.
On the Web at www.chick-fil-a.com

P.S.  Please retain your ticket number.  This will help us locate your information should you need us again.

I found this response troubling on multiple levels. One it was full of excuses. Two, in comparing the Cow Campaign to Winnie the Pooh they are trying to say it’s acceptable to promote poor spelling habits because somebody else does something similar. It’s not okay that Winnie the Pooh spells honey “hunny”.  And it’s not okay that Winnie the Pooh writes some of his letters backwards. I don’t like Winnie the Pooh either. I would have had Amanda email Disney but I didn’t see a Winnie the Pooh billboard that day. Three, the email I sent said nothing about loving Chick-fil-A. It rubbed me the wrong way how they slipped that into their response. I felt it was condescending. I know in my heart Chik-fil-A isn’t going to change their advertising campaign because of one email. But I suffer from what I like to call poke the bear syndrome. I just can’t let things go. And as you recall I have an over-exaggerated belief about how clever and important I am.  I started to write a witty and vicious response. Then I realized a better way to make my point. I then rewrote my response email using Chick-fil-A vernacular.

To: Chick-fil-A

I don’t beleeve I eva said I luv Chik-fil-A. Also just becaws a character is well nown does not excus promoating bad speling. I didn’t allow meye child to kary a Winnie the Pooh bacpak becaws “hunny” was speled rong. I think it’s rong to perposly expose kidz to poor spelling habuts. Thank u for yor emale.

Amanda Dawson

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Chik-fil-A has not responded. I’m pretty sure they know they’re wrong.

I Heart Amanda Dawson

Dear Natalie,

My father bought a cell phone for his lady friend. I could have told him from my many years of experience watching daytime court television shows such as The People’s Court with Judge Marilyn Milian that this was a bad idea. Eventually it came to light that the lady friend was crazy and a pathological liar. So Father ended up with a Blackberry cell phone. He for some reason decided not to use the phone and was out around $300.00.  After a chain of events that is much too boring to recount here I ended up joining his family plan.  I now have the phone. I didn’t realize I could have transferred my previous cell phone number (which I’d had for 10 years) to the new phone/service.  It was heartbreaking for me to lose that number as it was one of the last ties I had to the place I grew up. But I sucked it up. I then tried to be a good person and notify all my peeps and contacts about the new number. This was a pain because you don’t realize all the places you have your number on file for some reason. Plus I still can’t remember the number ½ the time. But I did what one is supposed to do when getting a new contact number. Apparently the previous owner of my new number was not so contentious. I have been the recipient of a multitude of texts. Sometimes this has irritated me. Other times this has allowed me to indulge in the inner asshole I harbor deep deep inside my soul. I’ve become intrigued with the woman who had the number before me. Miss Amanda Dawson. I feel connected to her through all the people she has brought into my life. I’ve even decided to appropriate her persona for some of the more frivolous complaint emails I send to companies. Complaints that need to be expressed but seem random in nature. I’ve created a whole new life for Amanda Dawson. More on that later. The following are a small portion of the texts I have received from individuals who were trying to contact Amanda Dawson. I emphasize that these are but a few examples of the MANY I’ve received. Sometimes I was a jerk. I admit it. But I like to think my actions were a cry out to Amanda Dawson to be a better person and give her new number out to those who think so highly of her.

New Friend #1: Hey Amanda.  What’s up? (sent at 4:00 am)

Me: This is not Amanda. But thanks for the early morning text that woke me up when my phone dinged.

Apparently Amanda likes to chat early in the morning. I do not.

New Friend #2: Happy Thanksgiving

Me: Who is this?

New Friend #2: Dr. Harper.

Me: Hi I don’t know you. But Happy Turkey Day.

New Friend #2: Well then you don’t know Happy Town, Oklahoma. (Not the real name of the town)

I found this to be rude. Like Dr. Harper thought he was awesome. Like everybody should know who he was because he was soooo super special.  I’m not from Happy Town, Oklahoma but Father is and he’d never heard of the guy. So he apparently wasn’t that well known. I looked him up and he was a diagnostic radiologist in the area. It now occurs to me while I’m writing this that perhaps Amanda had some health issues that resulted in this doctor’s presence in her life. So the following makes me look kind of bad. But it was like the 5^th person I’d heard from on Turkey Day telling Amanda “Happy Thanksgiving”, and I was tired of hearing from Amanda’s fans. Plus Father was egging me on. I can’t resist an audience who thinks I’m funny.

Me: Try born and raised. Perhaps you should concentrate on radiological diagnostics not what, where, or who I know about in my life. I don’t know you. I hope your turkey tastes like poop.

New Friend #2: What?

Me: I don’t know you. Stop text stalking me.

Dr. Harper then tried to call me.

Me: Don’t call me either. I don’t know you.

New Friend #2: I’m trying to get ahold of Amanda.

Me: I don’t know you.

 The Thanksgiving felicitations continued throughout the day.

New Friend #3: Happy Thanksgiving.

Me: Hi who is this.

New Friend #3: Bart

I looked up Bart’s area code. I know in this day and age of cell phones you can’t really tell where people are located anymore. I don’t live in Happy Town, Oklahoma even though my area code does. But I wanted Bart to feel like I cared and was really trying to focus on his needs. The fact that Amanda hadn’t given him her new number was potentially going to be a blow.  Judging from the number of texts I have received, Amanda left a lot of good folks out of her new life. People who thought enough of her to wish her well on the Holidays. I felt bad for Bart and I thought the extra TLC might be warranted.

Me: Greetings Bart of Southern California possibly Orange County. This is no longer Amanda’s phone number. If you have any questions contact Dr. Harper of Happy Town, Oklahoma. He knows the whole story.

New Friend #3: What? I’m confused.

Me: Don’t be confused Bart you have the wrong number for Amanda.

New Friend #4: I’m engaged (included picture of ring)

Me: Congrats I don’t know you. This is no longer Amanda’s number. Beautiful ring BTW.

 

New Friend #5: Sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk but it was nice to see you!

Me: You have the wrong number. This is not Amanda. If you happen to see Amanda again please ask her to give out her new number so I don’t get her texts anymore.

New Friend #5: Hahahahahahah ok sorry for the mix up.

New Friend #6: Hi Miss Dawson

Me: Who is this?

New Friend #6: Ouch!

Me: Ha ha. How are you?

Now I know what you are thinking at this point. I should have not engaged this person. I should not have asked what she/he was up to. I should not have shown interest in her/his trip to Japan. I should not have allowed my friend Krystal to look up “minivan” in the urban dictionary when the texter said that was something she/he had purchased while in Japan. Knowing the filthy urban dictionary definition of minivan (The act of putting 2 fingers in the vagina and a fist up the ass. Called the minivan because it fits 2 in the front and 5 in the back), I should not have asked questions about said minivan that would illicit genuine responses from the texter (who actually purchased a minivan) that my friends and I then applied the dirty definition to.

Me: So you can fit 7 right? Two in the front five in the back?

New Friend# 6: Oh sometimes I can get as many as 9 in.

Me: Wow really! Where do you put the extra 2?

New Friend#6: Oh we put them way in the back.

Me: Oh okay. That must be a pretty tight squeeze. Is that even legal?

New Friend #6: Um I guess. As long as we don’t get caught.

Me: I guess what the po po don’t know can’t hurt you.

New Friend #6: LOL for sure.

It was wrong. But it was also wicked funny. And I had help and encouragement. Upon finding out that the texter had visited the beach with some officers from her/his unit (meaning a military connection) I ended the call politely. I however, didn’t ever mention I wasn’t Miss Dawson.       

New Friend #7: Hey beautiful please let me know you’re alright.

Me: Why thank you I needed that. BTW This is not Amanda’s number anymore. But I’m doing fine.

New Friend #7: Heh….And she totally told me that last night. Sorry for bothering you.

Me: Give her my best. I feel as if we are one since I have spoken with so many of her friends. Including a soldier, doctor, Bart from California, you, and a newly engaged lady. All I need is to hear from Amanda and the circle will be complete. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

New Friend #7: Well now you’ve got 2 soldiers. I’ll send her your regards. Thank you and enjoy your holiday.

 

New Friend # 8: Hi Amanda. It’s Rio. How r u?

Me : Hi Rio. I am fine. I don’t know how Amanda is. But I do know she has a new number.

New Friend #8:  Oh ok. I’m sorry who am I speaking to? I thought this was her #.

Okay so I just told this guy Amanda has a new number. Why does he need to know my name? I know he thought this was Amanda’s number. He was technically correct. It was Amanda’s number at one time. But I think I was pretty clear that this is no longer the case. Rio needed a taste of reality.

Me: No Rio. It’s no longer Amanda’s number. Funny story-She got a new number and chose not to tell several people (you included) and now I’m hearing from all kinds of folks. If I were you I wouldn’t let the fact that she excluded you from her new life hurt. Some people are just mean. I’m happy to be your friend.  In fact you should change Amanda’s ID in your cell phone to Awesome New Friend Who Will Never Abandon Me. That’ll teach her to snub you. Talk to you soon new friend.  Signed ANFWWNAM.

Someday I hope to meet Amanda Dawson. I hope when that day comes she doesn’t punch me in the face.  

Gnome Is Where the Heart Is.

Dear Natalie,
I wasn’t always the nicest daughter. So one fine Spring day when Mother and I were out shopping for the Garden of Good Intentions (I’ve decided to call it that because we planted and mulched every year with high hopes and good intentions but never kept it up) she spotted a garden gnome and I openly and viciously mocked her. But Mother loved that gnome and being an independent woman with her own strong mind and monies the gnome came home to the Woodchuck house. That’s what feminism gets you folks. Several years later the thing that all assholes like me fear happened. Sometimes this happens in life. Like once I came home from a CJ class and asked Mother if she remembered anything about some serial killer who had been active in our town in the 1970s then “vanished”. Now my mother isn’t good with names. She could never remember the names of my teachers and often calls businesses by some random hybrid created from actual legit business names. For example she’ll say I need to take the car into Monkeylube for an oil change, which is an amalgamation of Jiffy Lube and The Monkey Wrench. So when she began recounting the names and ages of each family member from murders that had happened 30 years prior I was slightly taken aback. However being the little jerk that I can be I cried foul when in the midst of her story she had to stop and whilst shaking her head, eyes closed, said, I can’t speak of it anymore. It’s too terrifying. I was like-Whatever. And she was like- You have no idea how awful it was. And then not too long after I did get an idea when that same serial killer started making contact with the police again. What are the odds? I mean really. I now knew fear and recognized my mockery and dismissal had been wrong. I experienced a similar feeling a few years later when I fell in love with a trio of gnomes. I was graduating from my master’s program and leaving home to begin a PhD. As a going away gift I received an awesome trio of garden gnomes. I instantly fell in love. They were tacky. They were beautiful. They were a gentle reminder that sometimes Mother is right when it comes to garden accessorizing. I proudly moved my gnomes to my new home.

At first I placed them on the back balcony. But I quickly realized that this prevented me from enjoying them. I’m not one of those back balcony people-Oh look at me look at me I have a back balcony I’m so cool. So I moved them to the front where I would see them whenever I came and went. They looked so good. Like little happy guardians. I even bought them an outdoor rug with gnomes on it from our local homophobic craft store to pay tribute to their awesomeness. Unfortunately the rug was too thick for the screen door to pass over so it got moved to the back balcony. Life was good.  I was in school. I had a job. I was making friends and living the life of a single girl on her own.Then tragedy struck and my beautiful boys became victims of gnome-napping.

What my boys looked like. I wish I had taken a photo with them when I had the chance.

I was devastated and more than a little concerned. My apartment is situated so that it sits at the end of a long walkway that goes past my guestroom before coming to my front door. The only reason a person would turn left at the top of the staircase near my apartment would be to purposely come to my door. No other apartments lie in the path. So the gnome-nappers came deep into my territory to violate my defenses. Fuckers.

Just past the staircase is all mine. Well it belongs to Clarice and Krystal now. Keep out anyway.

At first I held out hope that my boys were some sort of vacation prank prop and that I’d be getting photos of then in all sorts of awesome locations. But in my heart I knew that would never be the case. One gnome is hard to control. Three are impossible. They were gone. A few years later Clarice moved in to the apartment. In the new rush of getting to know new friends and their crap she mentioned that she liked the gnomes on my balcony. I elatedly screamed “They’re back” and ran to the balcony to greet them. I looked insane. Like some delusional freak-show who has imaginary mythical creatures for friends. In my heart I had hoped that for some reason I had moved the boys back to the balcony and forgotten about it. But alas Clarice was talking about the gnome rug. I explained the whole situation to Clarice in an attempt to seem normal. She smiled and nodded and said-Oh I get it. But I can’t help but wonder if deep down she was like-Oh shit this woman is going to kill me. I need a lock on my door.  In the end it turned out as good as can be expected. I didn’t kill Clarice because I’m not a psycho. Although there was an early morning shower incident shortly after that would have ended in a bloodbath had I not been immobilized by exhaustion and in a semi-dream state.  I am now  left to offer prayers every night that my boys have found a safe and happy new home. Peace with you my dear sweet boys. May God cross our paths again one day.  And may whomever stole you from me rot in the eternal fiery pits of Hell. If I ever find out who you are I will bring pain to your face.

Surly Abbey

Dear Natalie,

There are some things in life I always try to remember. I know everybody has bad days. Sometimes your own mood reflects on your perception of others and their actions. Sometimes you need to concentrate on how good your life is and forgive and forget. And sometimes that self-righteous bitch in a blue smock behind the Hobby Lobby counter who thought she was so superior has it coming. I swear to Jesus if I hadn’t needed that garden gnome for a fun Facebook post I would have made her reverse the transaction right then and there in a manner consistent with Biblical principles (it makes sense if you have read the company’s website). But since my righteous indignation will always fall when up against the opportunity to be ridiculous so the gnome went home with me. And I promptly fired off an email of complaint to HoLo. I didn’t even say hello to Clarice or the girls. I just dropped my purse and new friend on the kitchen counter and went to task. To HoLo’s credit they did get back with me immediately with an apology and request for more details. They may be an evil judgmental company but they take complaints seriously-Which reminds me I need to find a new place to satisfy my crafty urges.

The gnome in question

The moral of this story is this: Sometimes you just have to complain. I like to think of it this way-If bad service is not punished than bad service flourishes. Failure to check a snooty clerk/customer service rep/cashier is the same as rewarding them. My complaints today will save future customers from suffering the same heartache. You’re welcome. I’m a firm believer that you should also absolutely reward great service. I like to call a manager when I’ve been treated particular well. Sometimes they send you free stuff. But that’s not why I do it. I always kind of hope that will be the end result. But a person getting their just accolades is cool too. But it’s way better with coupons for free stuff.

My most recent story of complaint started out innocently enough. I had a repair issue with my computer. I took it to Best Buy where the Geek Squad representative determined it needed to be sent out for repair. The Geek could not give me an estimate of what the repair would cost but did mention that a good laptop will only last about 3 years, so I should consider this when factoring whether or not to accept the terms of repair or buy a new laptop. The repair ended up being too expensive and I declined to have it completed. I was more than a little dismayed at the situation. My mother suggested I email Sony. Being an obedient daughter I did. I explained the entire situation up to that point including what the Geek said about laptops lasting for only 3 years.

……….. This seemed inappropriate to me as I purposely chose to pay more money for a laptop (as I recall close to $800.00 with taxes and such) from what I had heard was a quality brand. I was so excited to buy a Sony laptop. I saved for it and waited. I thought this was the laptop that would get me through my PhD program. I thought I’d write my dissertation on it. I have had this laptop for less than 2 years. Its use was essential to me as a student. I respected it and took care of it. I did not drop it or slam in on surfaces when I transported it. I did not eat or drink near it. I was careful because I could not afford to replace it and because when you buy quality it is supposed to last if you take care of it. The repair cost quoted to me was $245.00. I don’t understand how a product that is less than two years old that has been treated with respect and care can require a repair that costs close to 1/3 of its original cost. I asked this question of the Best Buy employee who called me with the quote. His response was that as computer prices go down the loss in sales revenue is made up through the use of cheaper/poorer quality materials and higher repair costs when those materials fail to last. I found this perplexing as I did not purchase a cheaper laptop, one with a decreased price that would necessitate some sort of shady backhand customer gouging scheme. I instead chose to spend a little more for a quality product. I don’t mind paying more when I’m paying for quality. Was I mistaken in believing that the Sony brand meant quality products? I declined the repair of my laptop. It did not seem wise to pour so much money into a computer that according to the computer expert could only be expected to last another year or so. I suppose I will instead take that $245.00 and add a little more when I can somehow manage it and buy a cheaper brand. If your product is of the same quality as those cheaper brands out there, and that’s the impression I have been left with by both the employees of Best Buy and by the performance of your product, it seems that is the best course of action for me to follow and recommend to anyone I know. I will not purchase any Sony product ever again. There are other brands, many of which apparently offer more realistic expectations of performance and longevity. I realize this is an empty threat to a company of your size. Millions of people buy Sony products. I know this. Just as I know my loss of business will mean nothing to you. But I feel it only respectful that if I am to boycott your products and tell every person I ever come into contact with that is considering buying a laptop (or gaming system, camera, television, etc.) to stay as far from your brand as possible, that I should notify you of my experience. If I had treated a person dishonorably, as I feel you have treated me, I would want to know about it.

Sincerely,
Sarah Jones
Former Sony Customer

Oh how I love some high drama. I admit my email was filled with it. But in all honesty I expected Sony not to respond. However, the next day I received a response that my email had been forwarded on to the appropriate person. I still thought nothing of it. Then I got another email requesting I call Sony. I was like okay I’ll bite. Then the most magical of things happened. The rep on the phone said I was a valued customer. I was important. Word to the wise folks: Never ever tell me I’m important. I already have an inflated sense of worth. When you confirm it I move to a whole new level. The Sony rep said they would make a onetime exception and fix my computer. FOR FREE. What great customer service, right?! So Sony sends me a box and I ship my lovely laptop away. I was so excited. I really do love my laptop. They gave me a tracking number so I could follow my repair. On the 11th day of repair service I received an email from Sony asking me to call them. Turns out they just needed to update my file with a correct phone number. While I had the Sony rep on the line I asked if he could check the status of my repair. He checked and said the tech people were still working on it. This seemed wrong because according to their website it says you should give them 10 business days after they receive it to do the repair. We were on the 11th day plus when I typed in my tracking number the message had not said under repair but rather that they were waiting on some sort of payment authorization. So I called them directly. The man at the tech department confirmed that they were just waiting for a payment authorization from the National Customer Service office so they could release my laptop back to me. I asked for a number to call so I could make sure the authorization happened that day. And so it began. What followed was over an hour of waiting on hold and speaking with no less than five people who kept giving me different numbers to call. Sometimes I was directed to a number or department I had already spoken with even after I explained to the person I was on the phone with that I had already spoken with that particular department. I finally reached the right person who assured me the confirmation had been sent and that my laptop should be back to me the next day or day after. I was told a Fed Ex tracking number would be sent to my email that afternoon. The next day I had yet to receive the tracking number and my status on the repair site had not changed. So I called again. While on hold my call waiting beeped and I took a call from Sony. The representative on the phone gave me the Fed Ex tracking number, I had failed to receive the afternoon before as promised by Sony, and told me my laptop would be shipped overnight and arrive at my door the next day. At this time I was still in the haze of gratitude to Sony. After all they had fixed my computer that was not under warranty for free. But remember they contacted me and made the offer. Then it got ugly.

The following day we had horrible thunderstorms. I went to the Fed Ex site and put in my tracking number. It showed an attempt to deliver my laptop that was unsuccessful because of an address issue. I contacted Fed Ex and was informed that the package could not be delivered because the sender (Sony) had not put a complete address on the package. I told Fed Ex I didn’t understand how this could be the case because I knew Sony had my correct full address because Sony had sent me the initial box to send my laptop in for repair. The Fed Ex representative reiterated that it was the sender’s mistake. I went ahead and gave the representative my full correct address and asked if they could try to redeliver. He said they would not attempt to redeliver it that day because they were too busy. My options were to schedule a time the next day or pick it up from Fed Ex during the 15 minute interval between the driver returning to base at 5:00pm and the office closing at 5:15pm. If I ever decide to conquer the world I will employ Fed Ex as my henchmen. They hard hearted vicious folk who show no mercy. Neither of the options was particularly convenient for me but I was powerless. My call with Fed Ex ended with my opting to pick up my laptop and forcibly hanging up the phone. Fed Ex actually did redeliver my package that day. Clarice was home and took delivery. I can only assume that the driver assumed she was me and had been told by the Fed Ex phone guy that I was a total crazy bitch. Because when she attempted to make small talk about the weather and staying safe he gave her a hard crazy stare.

After speaking with Fed Ex I contacted Sony customer service because despite being grateful for the repair I felt like things had gotten out of control. While on hold with Sony Clarice sent me a Google chat that my laptop had been delivered. I could and probably should have let it go at this point. I had my laptop home safe and sound and repaired for free. I could and should have moved forward. But I was in an angry place. Remember Sony told me I was important. And by God important people get justice. At Sony I spoke with a nice man who transferred me to yet another number. I believe at this point I was directed to the National Customer Service Center. I had thought I was speaking to the National Customer Service center but I was apparently mistaken. The nice man transferred me to Abbey (pseudonym)-or as I like to think of her Surly Abbey. It started off well enough. Surly Abbey (though not so surly yet) apologized and offered me a one month warranty on my laptop. I informed Abbey that a one month warranty wasn’t really of any use to me because my computer had just been repaired and I didn’t expect to have anything go wrong in the next month. Abbey then offered to call Fed Ex and give them my correct address and set up a new delivery time. I told her I had already done that and if a one month warranty and call to Fed Ex were all that she was able to do for me I wanted to speak with somebody else. While I was on the phone Krystal was sitting next to me whipping up the fury by saying things like “They’re wrong” and “Make ‘em dance”. She also sent me this:

Thanks Krystal

Surly Abbey then emerged and took over Abbey’s previously nice demeanor and she wouldn’t transfer me despite my request for her to do so and asked “What is it you want ma’am?” Perhaps it was not Surly Abbey’s intention but her surly tone made it seem as if I was trying to be shady and reap some benefit I did not deserve. I explained I didn’t expect anything free from Sony but thought I deserved a letter of apology. Krystal claims I requested a handwritten letter. I don’t remember doing this because I was in a zone. But it sounds ridiculous so I probably said it.

Surly Abbey said she had already apologized. I told her I wanted a letter of apology from Sony (I didn’t know who the president of was, but I knew it wasn’t Surly Abbey). She told me Sony would not do that, that she could not make Fed Ex deliver my package that day, that she had already apologized and appreciated my call which she would do use to update my file. I told Surly Abbey she didn’t need to update my file because I was done with Sony and didn’t understand why Sony couldn’t send me a letter of apology since I knew Sony had my correct mailing address (I thought that part was pretty clever). The call ended with me telling Surly Abbey she knew what would solve the problem and I would be expecting a letter from Sony.

I know you’ll be shocked to hear that Sony did not send me a letter. They did send me a customer service survey to which I attached a handwritten note praising the offer and technical completion of the repair. I also included how I found it very sad that despite the excellent repair job I could not give Sony high marks on the survey because frustrating interactions and customer service, particularly by Surly Abbey, had ruined the overall situation. I also sent one final email to Sony explaining the entire situation from my trip to Best Buy to the second I hung up with Surly Abbey. It ended:

…….Since it is now July 18th and I have yet to receive a letter of apology from Sony I can only assume that either Abbey has failed to put this request in, as she failed to transfer me to somebody else when I requested, or that Sony, despite its assurance to me of the contrary, does not value me as a customer. I don’t think my request is too much to ask. If you recall I did not ask Sony to repair my laptop in the first place. I sent Sony an email explaining a particular concern. Sony then contacted me and offered this service. And I greatly appreciate it. Sony’s willingness to contact a single customer and offer a repair is a fantastic extension of customer service. The majority of representatives I spoke with on the phone were polite and helpful. But that doesn’t make up for the poor treatment that was extended towards me. All of that great customer service was tainted and made ugly when it felt like I was made to fight for something Sony freely offered to me. Repeatedly being transferred and having to explain my situation multiple times to multiple people on multiple occasions was irritating. The inconvenience I felt because of your failure to follow through in sending a Fed Ex tracking number when promised, to finish the repair process when promised, and to put the complete address on the package was annoying. Abbey’s condescension and refusal to transfer me was infuriating. I would think after putting a valued customer through all of that a simple letter is not too much to ask. Perhaps I should have been unreasonable and requested a Play Station 3 or some other Sony gadget. Would I have been deserving of a letter from you then? I don’t understand why Sony would bother contacting me in the first place when I didn’t ask for anything, claim I’m a valued customer, and then treat me like this.

Sincerely,
Sarah Jones

I have not heard back from Sony. It’s fine. My reward is not in the letter I should have received. Or even the Playstation 3 which would have been a nice gesture. My reward is in the fact that I know Surly Abbey will be a better customer service representative because of our interaction. I’m pretty sure our phone call is being used in Sony training sessions of how not to treat a customer. If my suffering makes the world a better place for Sony users than I‘m at peace.

Sometimes when we touch Clarice rocks it out of the park

Dear Natalie,
Today I saved lives and tonight Clarice played her Bluestem Bistro gig. It was magical kind of like when you watch an episode of MTV (or is it VH1?) unplugged. Except technically she was plugged because she was using an amp or two.

The Gig Location

Clarice has always had quite the set of pipes on her. She also plays a pretty mean guitar.Her guitar is so badass it deserves a name. I think BB King calls his guitar Lucille. Clarice’s guitar needs a name too. Perhaps Delilah or Stella.

Clarice's guitar Stella, or maybe Hester, Eugenia perhaps.

I think she was excited to have an audience besides me and the cats to play for. I offered to film Clarice’s jam session. I thought this job would be cool and allow me to help out a good friend on her special moment. And it was so much fun. Unlike when you help out a good friend on her special moment by serving cake at her wedding. You know when the bride wants to “include” you but not really “include” you so she gives you the shitty job that she should technically be paying somebody to do.  Or when you’re asked to be an usherette or guest book attendant. Those jobs suck. Everybody looks on you with pity. Like you’re some sort of jerk who the bride’s mother forced her to include. Personally I think it is okay to refuse such duties. I tried to do this once. My friend was like “Hey Sarah J. would you like to be an usherette at my wedding?” And I was like “No. I would just like to come and admire how pretty you are.” And her feelings were slightly hurt. So I agreed. It turned out okay and fun. But I’ve done the whole cake serving thing and it’s some bullshit! If you’ve done it you know what I mean. Don’t pretend like you were honored to do it. Because you weren’t. You were secretly pissed and hoped the bride would trip and die on her way down the aisle. But back to Clarice. She rocked it out of the park. I know because I watched her through a teeny tiny screen with the word “Record” in the top left corner. And it was AWESOME! Her rendition of Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran was phenomenal. The only time I messed up was when she sang the song dedicated to me: Sometimes When We Touch. I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s a ridiculous song. Other than that I ruled the night. I should be a professional videographer. Part of me thinks Clarice allowed me to do such an important job was because she was afraid I would burst into song and try to take over. I have been told (by Clarice) that I tend to break into song as if I were singing on a Broadway stage. A larger part of me knows that Clarice would have welcomed me with open arms and totally rocked out a duet because she is that type of cool person. In fact she may be the best person I know. Creep-Awesome. My Sweater-Awesome. Fools Rush In-Awesome. Hit the Road Jack-Awesome. Clarice totally gave me a hug and bought me a drink as a thank you. We’ll see how grateful she is once she gets my bill. Perhaps I won’t bill her because we went out to celebrate afterwards and I promised her I would not let it get “dark” which is our special code for me not imbibing too much. But since she drove anyway I figured what the heck and had a few. I’ll probably still invoice her.

The Great Fish Debacle

Dear Natalie,

I visited the lovely city of Atlanta, Georgia last summer for the American Sociological Association meetings. While at a conference I always try to take in some local attractions. I visited Coke World (stickiest floors ever) and the Georgia Aquarium. The Georgia Aquarium is awesome. You can have birthday sleepovers there- Which is totally cool! If I had a child and lived in Atlanta that would so happen. Every single year. I’m serious. That’s all my kids would be allowed to do for their birthdays. I had the chance to visit the aquarium twice during my visit. The first time was during a cocktail party hosted by a publisher that my roommate Clarice and I tagged along to with our boss. A special section of the building had been cordoned off and I gorged myself on an endless supply of canapés and Coca-Cola while staring in wonder at whale sharks and beluga whales. It was a great evening. The next day wasn’t quite as magical. The Aquarium was still wondrous but I was viciously wronged.

It all started with a little bit of misinformation. The “plan” was for a group of us to go to visit the aquarium. I wasn’t sure if my roommate Clarice wanted to go. One of the other members of the group told me Clarice didn’t plan to. I should have known better and double checked with Clarice. She is the type of person who just screams “I visit aquariums at any opportunity.” But I did not. I ordered 3 tickets by phone around noon for the 2:00 entrance time. I was given a total of $83.25 (for the tickets and processing fees). Then Clarice showed up at the meeting hotel all ready to go. Well crapbags! I called the phone number again and asked if I could purchase one additional ticket. The representative on the phone told me it was too late and the fourth person would have to try and purchase a ticket at the window. When we arrived at the aquarium Clarice got in line and I went to the will call window to pick up the original 3 tickets. I did not have a confirmation number (at the time of the original call I couldn’t find a pen) but I did have my ID and credit card used to purchase the tickets. The window clerk was able to look me up and show that I had called but did not see where I had been charged. There were no tickets assigned to me. I asked her if I needed to go get into the regular line and see if I could get tickets for the 2:00 entrance time. She told me I could stay where I was and purchase them at the will call window-how nice is that! I then asked if it would be possible to buy 4 tickets instead of the original 3. She said that was fine as well-wicked nice. I did and was charged $108.00. We had such a good time.

Clarice and I at the Georgia Aquarium. I'm the pretty one.

Then we got home and I looked at my bank statement. Guess who got charged twice! I called the customer service number and a representative directed me to an email address where I could send my request for a refund. I sent an email and received an automated response (riddled with misspellings) telling me my case would be reviewed. The next day I heard from Ms. Fish (pseudonym).

Hello Sarah,

This is Ms. Fish from the Georgia Aquarium Accounting Department and I handle and authorize refunds/ disputes here at the aquarium. Please accept my apology for your wait, but unfortunately I cannot immediately process this request because your full credit card information is no longer in our records. Upon entering the system it becomes encrypted for security purposes. If you could please provide me with the full card number, its expiration date, and a receipt showing the charges if applicable then I can quickly issue your requested amount back to your card. Please either email this as an attachment or fax it to my attention to the number in the signature below. This is a secure email server, but if you would feel more comfortable calling me with this information, please feel free to give me a call at my direct line below.

Best Fishes,
Ms. Fish

I faxed Ms. Fish the requested information and left her a voice mail indicating I had done so on August 27th, 2010. I then emailed Ms. Fish on the 31st inquiring if what I had faxed on the previous Friday was sufficient to process my refund?

Hi Ms. Fish,

I faxed my credit card and bank statement to you last Friday. Was this sufficient to process my refund? If not please let me know what else I need to provide.

Warm Regards,
Sarah J.

I called and left messages on September 1st and 2nd. I received no response or indication that my fax had been received or that my refund was in process. I became incensed that the Georgia Aquarium was holding my money hostage. In retaliation for this egregious treatment I “Liked” the Georgia Aquarium page on Facebook. After doing so I put up a post stating that while the Georgia Aquarium was really cool they were refusing to return money that they had admittedly taken from me in error. Clarice and my friend Krystal being loyal and trustworthy to a fault quickly commented on the post (as if they were strangers of course) about how appalling the situation was. Apparently the Georgia Aquarium employs an individual to monitor the posts on Facebook because shortly thereafter a new comment was added to my post apologizing and directing me to email Visitor Services. So I did. Sometimes a little drama, a little crazy, and a little martyrdom is what the situation calls for. And it was in that mindset I concluded my email to Visitor Services.

…… As of this moment the money is not in my account. This is unacceptable. The way you have treated me is appalling. I realize that you are all busy and things take time. I am busy as well. I would have appreciated and should have been shown the courtesy of knowing if the information I sent in was received and sufficient to process the refund to my account. I shall now move into the sob story portion of this email. I am a college student. The $83.25 removed from my account really hurts me. It may sound cliché but I need that money to buy yes-you guessed it groceries and put towards my electric bill. I’m that person. But it’s okay for me to be that person because I didn’t overspend my budget and flit away money on frivolities thus leaving myself unable to pay my bills. The Georgia Aquarium took money from me that it was not entitled to and I should not have to suffer the consequences of that action. When will this money be returned to me? I’m appealing to you at Visitor Services because your accounting department, while starting out strong, has fizzled.

I received a standard automated response.

From: visitorservices@georgiaaquarium.org
To: Me
Sent: Thursday, September 2, 2010 12:09:00 PM
Subject: RE: Re: Refund Request

Thank you for contacting the Georgia Aquarium! We are busy feeding the fish right now, but we will get back to you as soon as we can. There are thousands of fish to feed, so please give us 24 hours to respond. If you need to speak to someone immediately, please contact us at 404-581-4000. Hit 0 to speak to the Call Center or listen for the appropriate option. The Call Center is open and ready to help you 7 days a week from 8:30 a.m. – 5 p.m. Thank you again for contacting us and Best Fishes!!

I replied.

From: Me
To: visitorservices@georgiaaquarium.org
Sent: Thursday, September 2, 2010 12:21:24 PM
Subject: Re: Refund Request
Stop feeding your fish and please send me my refund!!! I’m hungry too.

The next day I finally heard back from Ms. Fish.

Hello,

This is Ms. Fish from the Georgia Aquarium. I just wanted to confirm that a refund of $83.25 has been issued to your card. Please allow up to ten business days for this credit to post to your account.

Best Fishes,
Ms. Fish

I found it amazing that the Georgia Aquarium could take my money in 1 day yet it could take however long they wanted to return it back to me. I chose not to respond to Ms. Fish I didn’t feel as if she deserved to hear from me. My words are precious. Then on September 8, 2010 I was contacted by somebody from the Georgia Aquarium call center. I shall call her Mrs. Fish-Lady

Mrs. Jones

Side note: I am not  a Mrs. If I ever become a Mrs. I will not go by Mrs. And it is a pet peeve of mine to be referred to as Mrs.

Per Ms. Fish – this issue was resolved on Sept. 3rd – you should see a refund post to your account towards the end of the week.

Mrs. Fish-Lady

I did not feel that the situation had been resolved as I did not have my money back at this point. I also never received any recognition of or apology for Ms. Fish’s poor customer service skills. So I replied.

Mrs. Fish-Lady,

Thank you for your email. I did hear from Ms. Fish that the refund was in process. Thankfully this financial crisis has now ended. The money has been put back into my account much to the relief of my co-workers who grew tired of hearing my stomach growl from hunger and of my wearing dirty clothes since I was unable to afford laundry soap or use of a washing machine. I considered replying to the email Ms. Davis sent on the 3rd but upon further reflection felt it was an opportunity for her to gain a better understanding of what it felt like for me to leave repeated messages with no response. I think this situation affords us all an opportunity to come out as better people. Perhaps your accounting department will provide better customer service in the future and I shall learn to hoard laundry soap and food for future dark times much like those people who are planning for the apocalypse or invasion by enemy troops/aliens. I used to think those people were crazy. But a little bit of crazy would sure have been beneficial to me while I was awaiting the return of my $83.25.

Warm Regards,
Sarah J

Mrs. Fish-Lady never responded. I also never heard from Ms. Fish. But in my heart I know I made a difference. Future customers of the Georgia Aquarium will not have to suffer my indignities. That is my legacy.

When Flower Horns Attack

Dear Natalie,
I hate it when people try to Friend me on Facebook when they don’t even know me. Sometimes this is an honest mistake. But sometimes there is something shady and/or nefarious afoot. Such was the case I believe when a Malaysian breeder of flower horns (they’re ornamental aquarium fish) tried to Friend me. Okay I actually love it when strangers do this because it gives me the chance to screw with people. I can’t resist being the center of attention. I think I’m funnier than I really am. I have no sense of shame. And I will ALWAYS fall victim to a good egging on. Besides I think after reading this anyone will agree with me that this guy had it coming when he kept responding.

ME: I don’t give my Facebook friendship away lightly. Give me 3 reasons I should accept your request. Nice fish pic by the way.

A normal person would have ignored my message and moved on. But somebody was apparently smitten a desirous of my social network companionship.

Potential Friend: Thank u for your respon yaa.

My reasons are couse :
1. I like have a friend from many defferent country…
2.Maybe i can show my flower horn product, couse 1 am a breederFH.
3.Maybe we can corporate…

Thanks before yah..
Nice to meet you yaa.

I had no idea in Hell what a flower horn was. So I looked it up at the most reputable site I could find, Wikipedia. Apparently flower horns are fish that do not exist in nature. They are genetically created by breeders and fish hobbyists. To my knowledge they are not dangerous. But I can’t back that claim up. So don’t get all cocky if you run into a flower horn. With my newfound knowledge of flower horns and confusion over what my new potential friend meant when he said “coporate” I allowed the demons inside me take over. I couldn’t stop myself and the following exchange took place.

ME: Dear (XXXXX)
I am slightly embarrassed. I feel I have led you on with the possibility that we could be friends. You seem so awesome and I think we could really get along quite well. However, the thing is I have a terrible fear of Flower Horns. I was attacked by one as a small child and I have been unable to get over it. I’ve tried immersion therapy where I was submerged in a large tank filled with Flower Horns. My eye doctor is an avid fish hobbyist and has a large aquarium in his office. I was enclosed in a specially designed cage-much like the shark cages you see on shark week and in the movie Jaws-but with much smaller holes. The technique was unsuccessful having the opposite effect intended and my fear of man-made hybrid fish was as a result magnified. I meant it when I said your fish profile pic was nice. Really I did. It was lovely much in the same way pictures of cobras, bridges and clowns (my other top fears) can be artistic and lovely. The population of the United States is somewhere around 310,195,000. I’m sure you could find a different friend from my great nation. I wish it could be me. All my best to you and your Malaysian devil fish-I mean Flower Horns. On a side note have you ever considered collecting Clown fish? They are quite fantastic. I once heard of a father Clown fish swimming across the ocean to rescue his physically deformed baby Clown fish who was trapped in a dentist’s aquarium. Apparently the dentist was an amateur fish hobbyist like yourself-only he collected “real fish” from the ocean- and planned on gifting the baby Clown fish to his niece as a birthday present. That would have been a disaster as the young girl had no respect for the delicacies of nature’s creatures. Fortunately with the help of a plucky Starfish, ambitious Moorish Idol, prickly but loveable Puffer, regal Royal Gama, demure Damselfish, crafty Yellow Tang, and inventive Pacific Cleaner Shrimp that dear little Clown fish was able to escape and become reunited with his Papa. God bless those dear little fish who put their lives on the line to save one little fish. God Bless them indeed. Best of luck with your attempts to subvert nature’s intended plan by creating a mutant race of demon fish.

Potential Friend: Thanks 4 your explain to me yah..
Nice to meet u again..

ME: Nice to meet you as well XXXX. Much success in your Flower Horn breeding business. But I beseech you. Please be careful. They are vicious fish. Seriously they’ll take your finger off if you give them a chance. Never let your guard down or turn your back on a tank. You should also always work in pairs with a spotter who’s carrying a weapon and can take the fish out if things get deadly.

I never heard back from my potential new friend. But I think we both learned something from this experience. He knows not to randomly try to Friend people on Facebook. There are a lot of crazies out there. And I know what a flower horn is. I also know what my lengthy explanation might potentially sound like to people in other languages because my friend Natalie (as in Natalie of the “you should have your own blog”) kept translating it into different languages then back into English using a computer program. It makes more sense if you were there. I wonder what potential friend is doing right now. And if he still has all of his fingers.

Devil Mutant Fish From Hell

There is a God and He Totally Approves.

Dear Natalie,

Life is full of disappointments and moments that will piss you off. For example at my soon to be former apartment complex there is reserved covered parking. There are a limited number of covered spaces and who gets to park in them is based on seniority. It’s a kind of bonus for living in an apartment complex where the landlord ignores most, if not all, repair requests. If you stick it out long enough you get a little parking perk. There are signs clearly posted on the parking structure to warn off the uninformed and residents of the complex are well aware of the parking pecking order and their responsibility to maintain it by keeping their own and guest vehicles in proper areas. Yet a ceaseless number of random vehicles would show up in my assigned space.  At first I got pissed. I made calls to the landlord. I went door to door hunting down the parking space perpetrators. My neighbor once wrote in black lipstick on an offending windshield and I left angry note after angry note. As my frustration grew so did the nastiness of my notes. Then I came to the realization that there was nothing I could do to stop the madness and that getting angry just served to make my life less enjoyable. Angry notes didn’t make the offending car magically disappear. I still had to park near dumpsters and rabid raccoons. I still had to park in the rain. I still had to park and carry my crap extra steps to get to my apartment. Additionally, nobody ever feels guilty when they get a pissy note. They just think you’re an uptight asshole for being pissy and thereby totally deserve to have your space snaked. So I decided instead to move away from a place of anger and into a place of crazy. Instead of nasty notes I left rambling notes of apology on cars that showed up in my space. I poetically pondered what transgression I could have possibly committed to make the driver treat me in such a vile abusive manner. I begged forgiveness for the sins I must have committed that gave the driver permission to ignore posted signs and seek vengeance against me. I assured the driver I was penitent and pleaded that my punishment be considered sufficiently meted out. A transformation occurred around this time and I found I felt instantly better.  My life had a new purpose. So fantastic was my new strategy that I even branched out and left a note on a car of a complex resident who had been irritating me for the previous 6 months by continually parking in the fire lane. The offender’s tag was personalized to read URNZWAY. I left a note that read URNZ Fire Lane. Although he wasn’t technically screwing me over like those who parked in my assigned space and the note wasn’t my crazy best it still served to make me glow. Also I considered this action totally justified for the sake of basic humanity. The fire lane is in place to protect us all. So I was actually acting to serve a greater good. You’re welcome fellow citizens of the apartment complex. Soon after I began leaving the crazy notes my stolen parking place became less of an issue. That’s when and how I knew there was a God and He totally approved. Crazy was the key to my salvation. Crazy showed me the light. Crazy makes the unbearable less unbearable. I don’t know if it will work for you but personally I’ve tested this method in two epic battles thus far and come away victorious.  Try it. It’s more fun that getting mad. I promise.

Natalie Gets Her Wish

My friend Natalie claimed I should have my own blog because I have such hysterical stories. I hesitated to take on this challenge because my life is so awesome that I didn’t want to make others feel bad when they compared their lives to mine and came up lacking. But after much self reflection and encouragement from my number 1 fan, groupie and roommate Clarice I realized I was being selfish. The world deserves to know about my adventures.So Natalie you get your wish. If this fails I blame you. If it is successful I will try to be able to distinguish your face from all of the little people who fawn at my feet.